A Change of Heart

Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will.

This Lenten season has been a time of deep reflection for me.  The church I attend just finished a sermon series on "transformation."  The sermons detailed the transformations of many Biblical figures and people within our congregation whose faith has been reshaped by difficult experiences.  As the weeks of Lent passed, I carefully analyzed the messages, asking myself various questions.  Is it possible my "miracle moment" hasn't come yet?  Has a transforming moment hovered over me, and I missed it?  My family often accuses me of not paying attention!  Would escaping to a deserted island with Blue Bell ice cream, no teenagers and no young adults help me transform?  If so, I'm packed and ready to go!  I think I could load an entire plane with other mommas who would be up for an island transformation as well.

I had almost completed "island packing" when Palm Sunday arrived. Our incredible youth praise band led the congregation in singing the beautiful hymn "Hosanna -Praise Is Rising."  It's familiar melody is one I have sung countless times; however a particular stanza made me pause.  "Cause when we see you, we have strength to face the day.  In your presence, all our fears are washed away."  As we sang, I recognized this has been a season of "heart transformation" for me.  With my journal, a pen, and moments of complete silence in His presence, God has been thoroughly changing my perspective of fear.  Throughout the course of my life, one might refer to Momma Vaughan as the "scaredy cat," the "non-risk taker," and the "No thanks, I'm good!" kinda' girl.  I was so afraid to begin writing a blog, afraid to share my soul with the rest of the world.  Thank you, Jesus for the confidence and encouragement from others to take the first step.  I felt terrified to let go of my college daughter just a "tiny bit more."  I continued to try and convince myself that she still needed a momma manager.  Instead, she has thrived with a "Texas consultant" many hours away.  Thank you, Jesus for the bravery to loosen those apron strings to the best fitting.  Finally, I have faced the same fears so many of you experience.  Am I doing ok as a mom, a wife, a sister, an aunt and a daughter?  Thank you, Jesus for the daily affirmations of success in all of my brokenness and the constant reminder that perfection does not exist.

With every blog, every journal entry and every written prayer, my fears have been replaced with a true peace that I cannot describe.  Philippians 4:7 describes God's peace as being "so great we cannot understand it." Perhaps we simply aren't meant to understand it on this temporal earth.  One of the greatest gifts of the cross, His peace, has slowly infiltrated my heart.  With every pocket of peace, the fears continue to dissipate.  It is a beautiful reality for which I am immensely grateful.  Shortly after my daughter arrived in Auburn, she sent me a text message highlighting her new favorite song:  "Song of My Father" by Urban Rescue.  Her instructions were very simple: "You need to listen to it."  Two verses of this song echo throughout my heart: "In the middle of the night, I look up to the sky.  I can hear you singing over me."  This is what I know.  We can't hear Him singing over us unless we silence some of the worldly noise.  We can't hear Him singing unless we're still.  Finally, we can't hear Him singing if the only voice we hear is our own. 

As written previously, I live in an area of the DFW metroplex that remains under construction.  A popular business near me, surrounded by barrels and barricades, recently posted this on their marquee: "Bless this mess....We are open."  May these words be the prayer on your heart and mine.

Almighty God of grace and peace,

Bless my mess for I acknowledge messes in this life demonstrate my deep need for you.

Know that I am open to your will and your ways every step of my spiritual journey.

Lead me. Teach me. Help me to discover the gifts of silence and time spent in your presence. 

Bless me with your peace, a peace that can dissipate all of my fears.

Amen